Look How Far I’ve Come
Happy equinox, babes. As the sunlight balances out and the quality of light shifts here, I am reflecting on all I’ve done in this past season.
A lot of what I created during the summer season began back in the spring (makes sense). We planned, prepared for and began our cross-country trip, accepted an offer to move to a larger home on campus, and I took on more work projects. I prioritized moving my body and doing my best to not consume caffeine to support my mental health. I went on a 5 week social media break.
As the summer season bloomed, we arrived in Pennsylvania after 10 days of driving to spend tons of time with family and friends (so good for my heart after 18 months of no visits). July held more visiting and traveling. As we returned to California, we immediately finished packing up our apartment to move to our new place. (I would not recommend taking a 40-day, round-trip cross-country escapade and then, 4 days after returning, moving all your things without a moving company, but we made it through).
Honestly, as I saw the trip and the move on the horizon, I knew it was more than enough energetically for one season. I knew that August/September is usually difficult for me (hot, hot heat, back-to-school, routines changing, and Leo/Virgo seasons all overlapping), but I couldn’t anticipate what the most recent two weeks held.
I did anticipate many of the transitions: A’s return to school, H’s return to work (not this full time since March 2020), my client work increasing, the heat, the uptick in energy my body feels with students returning to campus and the whole “back-to-school” vibe. The turning inward and physical exhaustion of Virgo season for this Libra rising gal.
I anticipated what I needed: groceries in the fridge, hiring a sitter to create some breathing room / lessen the blow of returning to my dominant parent role, not consuming caffeine, napping, and luxuriating in sensual feels (swimming, clean sheets, essential oils, sleeping in air conditioning, running miles, hiking, enjoying time home alone).
And I thought I made it through. A was back to school, H was back to work, I had more time alone, but maybe a bit too much work to do. We weren’t even two weeks into our new routines when A tested positive for COVID*. She had no symptoms, minus one day of a clear, runny nose and looking a little “off” to me. I only had her tested because we received 2 exposure notices in less than 5 days from her school. And that was that.
Lots of feelings ensued: panic that she’d get really sick, worry that we’d get sick, anger that after 18-months of quarantine living she caught COVID anyways, grateful she was asymptomatic, anger that I was the parent who had to put everything on hold, and then, TBH a bit relieved I could call a timeout on the urgency of my/our schedule, while then panicking again about isolating and solo parenting for up to 2 weeks. Plus, isolating would overlap H’s work trip, when I planned on school for childcare being the saving grace for that time.
It was during this energetic capacity / emotional time that I started to feel the urge to create coming back.
Not only did I take a social media break and replaced scrolling time with reading fiction (I read 10 ((!!!)) books this summer), but I made a conscious choice to stop haranguing myself for not wanting to write, create, blog, or even journal. I was ready to accept that these creative outlets were no longer things I needed, and that something else would present itself eventually.
But while I went for 7am runs to get my endorphins going before a full day of parenting alone, while I wandered around with A outside on trails in the woods, while the weather wooed us with chilly nights and not-too-hot days, I felt something in me coming back to life. It was like, by taking myself completely out of the hustle - first with our trip, then our move (more private space), then social media, then with isolating at home, only having to parent and take care of my myself so I could parent, I found a sense of peace and quiet that allowed my own thoughts, ideas, creativity to rise again.
And it feels good. This is how I want to spend a major part of my life right now. Not hustling, not building things for other people, not worried about making more money, not rushing A to school or moving through my house with frenetic energy. I want quiet and space to be with myself. I have ideas and containers to put them in. I’m experimenting with routines to create structure. I am feeling immense gratitude for all I accomplished, created, changed, and experienced over the summer. This part of the Earth may be turning away from the light, but I feel I am fully turned towards myself for the first time in a very long time.
A few resources for you:
I love the CHANI app to keep up with the current astrology
*While A had COVID, H and I consistently tested negative. So, our vaccines worked. If you’re not vaccinated, but are feeling ready to go for it, try vaccines.gov for information. Lucky for us, A tested negative exactly a week after she tested positive and was cleared to return to school when her class reopened 10 days after her positive test.
My Goodreads account if you’d like to connect there. I’d love to know what you read this summer or what you have on deck for autumn.
Equinox journal prompts can be found on these IG posts by @amylea.co and @onbeinginyourbody and a tarot spread by Carrie Mallon.
If you want to live more by the seasons, come join Mara Glatzel’s Cycle when it opens again in November 2021.