It’s Not Just About New Shoes
Over the past few months I’m feeling into a shedding/expansion phase. My daughter is almost 5, we just entered our 4th year at this job/campus, I’m growing a business, and I spend waaaaaaay more time in my body than I probably ever have in my life.
Most importantly, I think I’ve stopped trying to chase my idealized self and am sinking (syncing?) into who I am right now.
Of course, my brain goes into idealistic (and unattainable) versions of my self ALL OF THE TIME (oh, hi coping mechanism ::waves::), but more and more I am living more fully here in the body and person I am right this very moment.
“The idealized version of yourself is just a figment of your own imagination and a result of your social conditioning,” writes Mara Glatzel. When I first heard about the concept of an idealized self, I was so disappointed (big wahs). What do you mean I won’t ever be the super patient, really smart, has my shit together person I am trying so perfectly (exhaustingly) to attain?! But once I sunk into this realization, I felt relief. Oh, ok, so then I can work with who I am right now and who I actually want to be.
It grew into a sense of experimentation. Asking and testing theories like “What if I quit caffeine?” or “What if I deleted Instagram?” or “What if I let myself workout whenever I wanted to without any schedule?” or “Can I get off my back about not journaling anymore?”. Basically, can I trust myself? So, I stopped drinking caffeine, deleted Instagram, created a menu of workout options, took a break from writing. And not all at the same time. These experiments started over three years ago and they’re still going.
As I’ve learned more about myself by actually experiencing my experience instead of trying to apply outside information to my life (ahem, self-help industry), I am kind of digging myself in all my human complexity and simplicity - I really do need simple things like enough sleep and home alone time to feel like myself. And I like myself. I like discovering who I am without all of the noise.
Plus, while I love efficiency, life itself isn’t all about it. Life is messy, complicated, boring, slow, fast, overwhelming, stupid and gorgeous. Life is for living and the more deeply I am engaging with myself, my wants, needs, experience, the more deeply I am experiencing my life.
So, I bought new shoes. The continuing pandemic’s messed up the supply chain for many things, so I was able to get a new pair of running shoes (which I needed to support my body, but felt uncomfortable with the cost) and new Birkenstock (my old pair’s strap broke in July and I still kept wearing them). I have a few more pairs of shoes on my list. I’m playing around with which clothes make me feel good in and on my body, and also feel like me. And me right now - not the me I think I should be or the me I was before becoming a mother or living in the hotter-than-is-cool climate I currently live in. I donated all of my maternity clothes (big emotions) and am in the process of sorting through other household stuff to give away.
On and on I am evolving and trusting myself and tuning into what I love, need, want and truly believe. And it feels like relief and fun and yes.
If you’d like to explore your own idealized vs realistic self, perfectionism and choosing another way, and learning to trust yourself more deeply, book an exploratory call with me.
These learnings are informed by the work of Nik Border, Mara Glatzel, Sarah Von Bargen, Nicole Antoinette, Courtney Carver, and Human Design.