Proactive Self-Care

The Backstory

This week my daughter received her first vaccine dose. (Let’s slow clap for science that after 20 months of pandemic living, there are not only 2-3 COVID19 vaccine options for adults, but a vaccine for children 5-11yrs old.)

But, just because I believe in science doesn’t mean I am without parental anxiety about my child’s health. When A was born, she spent nine days in the NICU because of a seizure hours after birth. Seizures in newborns are a red flag pointing to “brain trauma”. Seizures are a health issue on vaccination medical forms, so my anxiety is not unfounded. (Even if seizures didn’t appear, once you’ve been told that your child may have a brain injury and doctors aren’t sure how that will present as she ages, your anxiety is completely reasonable).

But, this isn’t about her health or the moral/scientific/political battles over vaccines.

It’s about how I took really good care of myself, my anxieties and trauma healing over the last two weeks while navigating this medical decision.

At first, I was like “Hell yes, let’s get her vaccinated,” which, after talking to some other parents became, “Oh, maybe I have some reservations”. I talked them out with H. He is not an anxious person, but he had some questions. We agreed I would call the pediatrician.

The pediatric nurse answered every question I had and, after relaying the information to H, I booked A an appointment. 

Then, I got my booster and it took me down hard with flu-like symptoms for 30 hours and my anxiety reeled again. 

What My Proactive Self-Care Looked Like

I acknowledged my anxieties.

I did not ignore them, shit on them or keep them to myself. I reassured myself that it totally makes sense this would make me anxious. I talked with H, the pediatric nurse, my somatic practitioner and a family member who has experience in this field.

I sought out purposeful support.

I did not share my anxieties widely, solicit feedback from just anyone, or Google things. Part of this was sitting with my anxiety when I wanted to cast about sharing it. Part of it was advocating for myself in conversations, saying I wasn’t OK with unfounded stories about if vaccines do or don’t work, etc.

I looked ahead to figure out what I needed.

I scanned ahead in my week for what I would want and need before, during and after A’s vaccine appointment. This looked like picking up groceries, batch cooking food, having her home from school, getting enough sleep, exercising, and not taking on too much work (privileged here, but it was important I had mental space). It looked like pulling out the children’s Tylenol and avoiding caffeine and reassuring myself the probable/best case would be a full day on the couch and we had Disney+ to get us through that. The absolute worst case would mean an ER visit, so I put snack bars and a full water bottle in my backpack, just in case. I kept my phone charged. I packed her a favorite stuffed animal. We arrived to the Pharmacy early. I took really deep breaths while we waited.

Catastrophizing or what if everything works out?

When my thoughts were catastrophizing, I noted that’s what was happening. (I also noticed how much I catastrophize. Yikes.) What was the absolute worse that could happen? In my mind, an immediate allergic reaction and/or seizure in the first 24 hours. And y’know what? Yes. Yes, that was possible. She could have a horrible reaction and then I could physically run her to the hospital two doors down the street. Ok. That could happen, but what if it didn’t? I allowed myself to think that. But what if it didn’t?

Families around us were fine. A’s never had a horrible reaction or side effects from any other vaccines. My side effects sucked and I didn’t want her to go through that, but we had Tylenol and the day off from school and movies to watch and juice to drink. What if I let my brain ruminate on thoughts about it going just fine?

The Best Question

I asked myself “What do I need to make this possible (and am feeling stupid for needing/asking)?”  The answer to this was having A sleep in bed with me. We’re not a family that co-sleeps, mostly for my mental health, but also because I believe A gets the best sleep when she sleeps in her own bed, in the dark, with the door shut (she’s a Projector). I felt into how this medical experience reminded me of the traumatic time after she was born and I was unable to articulate what I needed. Having her physically near me was something I did not have when she was born, so this was also healing in way. Here was a patterned way I could take care of myself through this kind of situation when before I could not. I honored (not gave in, but honored) my need to sleep near A because of our past trauma. So, H said he’d take the guest bed so I could sleep near A. Simple solution.

Here was a way I could go into a situation that reminded me of a traumatic time, that is agitating and activating, and get the care I need now, care that I couldn’t get back then. I felt very contained and proud that I stayed with myself as this whole experience played out.

Celebrate

Celebration is not usually a way I complete my stress cycle, but I’m learning that appreciating myself as I go through hard things gives me a sense of control and a way to embody the experience. My previous way of blowing through things, whether challenging or enjoyable, made it so I didn’t really integrate what I was living through. After A’s appointment we went our for gelato, where I taught her how to play Shoots and Ladders. Then, she played at the park and we walked through a store full of beautiful holiday gifts and decorations. I savored the time with her and the relief in my body. It was a wonderful way to celebrate this milestone and her (and my) bravery.

Afterwards

The day after the vaccine, A was in a great mood, but tired. I was able to relax once we got through the night, but was exhausted from not sleeping well and the energy expenditure of worrying. We both ended up napping for a while in the afternoon. It was really great.

Besides her being totally fine, the best part about all of this was being able to support myself in such a deep way through this whole experience. Pro-active, responsive self-care.

If you’d like to map out some pro-active self-care for the upcoming holidays / end of the year / beginning of the rush, book a free call with me. I’d love to support you.