Highly-Sensitive Summer
Today, I am a burnt out highly-sensitive person.
I went to bed thinking we’d spend the entire day at the pool, but woke up with a lot of ideas and energy for the day.
A whole Saturday could mean: bike riding, going to a thrift store, weeding the garden, journaling, coloring, reading, swimming at the pool, visiting a bookstore, going to a coffeeshop…
Those ideas were quickly tamped down by a child who wanted to do none of them, refused to leave the house, AND ALSO wanted my constant attention.
I really struggle with these types of days. (Who wouldn’t?)
I am both burnt out and unable to access the things I need to recover.
(Which, as I write this, is not entirely true - I am sure some things are accessible - but when my mental state is overloaded to the point of shutting down and a lot of things feel like they’re scraping my nervous system, I lose my ability to access things like possibility and creative thinking.)
This week was full of post-vacation recovery, post-vacation reentry, catching up on work with a lot of open loops (without full-time childcare) plus an ever up and down relationship with caffeine.
So, like, a lot of borderline hyper-arousal.
When my high-sensitivity overlaps with restrictions from parenting or work and physical/nervous system burn out (being overly social, not getting enough sleep, too much caffeine) I find myself in a pretty bad space. (Again, who wouldn’t?)
It manifests as restlessness and then shutting down.
It definitely shows up as being very sensitive to sound.
Sounds feel overwhelming, I find it hard to think, I have a lot of ideas but can’t seem to focus on one uninterrupted thing long enough to get into a flow / feel the satisfaction finishing something.
Ear plugs help. I waited too long today to put them in.
Headphones help. Listening to lo-fi or solo piano music or just brown noise helps.
Funneling my environment into one cohesive sound helps my brain calm the fuck down.
My introvert needs involve some combo of being energetically solo (physically away from other people), having the time/space to putter, and/or being able to be with my own thoughts and feelings for an extended period of time. Sometimes this looks like journaling for an hour, sometimes it’s taking a long walk with a podcast, sometimes it’s reading in bed. Often times it’s being in a very quiet environment for a long time.
I’ve been staying up really late to get these needs met (writing or reading in the dark for like 2hrs), but the lack of sleep is now catching up with me as well.
After taking a short nap earlier, I feel OK.
And all of this is OK.
I’ve stayed with myself enough over the years now that I know this is not an emergency.
I am not triggered or struggling with my mental health.
This is a normal dip into exhaustion after spending quite a bit of time over-aroused.
I know what is happening and I know how to alleviate it (luckily I have a partner who picks up the load when I am down like this, who helps create space for me to be, and summer camp starts up again which will give me back a significant amount of time alone). Texting my sister helps. The promise of shrimp tacos for dinner helps.
Writing this helps.
Having an awareness of what is going on helps.
Knowing I just need a few things to start to feel better and a few days to level out helps.
Knowing and accepting that there is nothing wrong with me that I feel this way, that of course I am exhausted and dipping into hypoarousal after ~2wks of probably being hyperaroused (and & off) helps.
It’s part of my natural way of being in the world. It’s partially my own trauma-responses (“do more!” to create safety). It’s partially my own neurodivergent self saying “hey, that’s enough - we’ve absorbed and taken in too much and now we need time to process”.
Having learned to let go of shame around being like this is THE MOST help.
The world is a noisy, overwhelming space and my senses take in a lot more than most people’s.
Sometimes quiet is the only real solution, however I can get it.
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This is the Youtube music I listened to while writing this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=techmgGVOhk
And here’s some info about the window of tolerance