A Better Year Ahead
We're going into Manhattan for the night, but what's on my mind is the passing of time...
"Yes I know love is like ghosts" - Lord Huron
A year ago we celebrated Christmas in Los Angeles with my family. A year ago we were told our first pregnancy at 8 weeks was not to be. A year ago this week I had a D&C to end that non-viable pregnancy.A year ago this week H took such sweet care of me, setting up a Hobbit movie marathon, taking me to little coffee shops and hugging me while I cried and cried.A year ago, 2015 started by kicking my ass. 11 months ago we did our first overnight back-packing trip. We ended up camping and climbing 10 more times this year. 10 months ago we went to Austin with friends. 4 months later we went to Tahoe with them, where I swam in a clear mountain lake.9 months ago I traveled to San Francisco alone and saw the bridge from Land's End.8 months ago we took our post-pregnancy loss broken hearts and traveled to Italy (my first trip out of the country). It was magic.7 months ago my colleague transferred out of the department and my boss left soon after. So, 6 months ago I took on all the work.5 months ago it was summer and we were traveling to Boston, Acadia, and a stay-cation in Manhattan Beach. Our original due date passed and I finally felt relief. 4 months ago we went on an amazing little weekend trip and I got pregnant again. 3 months ago our parents visited LA and we shared the happy news. 6 weeks ago I miscarried that second pregnancy at home. I was 12 weeks and it was the week of Thanksgiving. A week ago we flew into Philadelphia. 4 days ago Christmas came around again.And today we are sitting on a LIRR train to NYC, to see the tree and meet friends in from LA for dinner. I think about that first pregnancy - we'd have a four-and-a-half month old now. The second pregnancy would be in week 18, and a tiny bump would be forming. Each would have shot my life off on a different path, but instead I find myself here. Red jacket, brown boots, H playing an iPhone game, high school kids eating big hero sandwiches in the row in front of us. The sky is grey and the trees bare. It's the holidays, which are lovely, but now are tinged with something heavier. I find myself leveling sorrow and joy. How gorgeous our life is, how lucky we are, and yet... we've experienced two losses this year that I never saw coming. 2015 has not been my favorite, and as I sit on this train, traveling backwards away from my hometown into the Big Apple, I am wishing for a better year ahead.