It's Yours To Feel

Maybe you've noticed I'm MIA lately, wondering why, when it's "recap all the things" time in blog-land, there's radio silence here. Maybe you're caught up in your own reflecting / enjoying / mourning / celebrating that the holidays and end of the year can bring. However this time is for you, I wish you ease.Truthfully, I'm struggling.Three weeks ago I suffered a spontaneous miscarriage at home at exactly 12 weeks (that fucking almost-out-of-the-woods marker). It was as painful, emotional, tribal and bloody as you'd expect. Or maybe you don't. It seems so much of this experience, the twists and turns on the path to destination "parenthood", aren't spoken about in our everyday conversations. And considering that 20-30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, still birth and infant lost, I think that's just bullshit.But, I digress. That stat above just makes it even more important that I share what I can here, especially because I'm comfortable speaking about my experiences. In fact, I want to talk about them. I want people to know that these things happen, that pregnancy isn't all tiny pink socks and bump photos, that loss is real and grief follows suit.I am not happy right now, but I still have happy moments. I still believe that my life is an amazing, precious gift and that this suffering is part of it for now. Not always, but for now. And I'll take that sadness and probably throw back a few too many drinks at the bar or put support mechanisms in place like 3x per day phone calls with friends who love me. I'll probably not be able to sleep and then sleep through my alarm. I'll probably cry in the shower, in the car, in bed and on the phone with said friends. I'll think that I'm failing at work, but the work is somehow still getting done. I'll think about what was supposed to be, what might have been.But I am not broken - my body, my spirit, my life. I still want to be here, with whatever I'm feeling, no matter how difficult. And I'm sending out love and support to anyone else dealing with loss - whatever you're feeling is yours to feel.xo---If you've suffered a loss and would like to share it, you can comment here or email me (justine-dot-taormino at gmail). I've found Dr. Jessica Zucker's words immensely helpful, especially listening to her on the Birthful podcast. (Also a good listen if you know someone who recently experienced pregnancy loss. Lots of resources linked here too). Her New York Times article about her own miscarriage is worth a read, and made #ihadamiscarriage go viral. She also launched a genius line of pregnancy loss cards, some of which are applicable to any loss.