Striving Is A State Of Mind

While reading Anna Lovind's new book The Creative Doer (which I won a signed copy of from Lovind herself - thank you!) I came across her idea that "striving is a state of mind".

Striving is not just in the doing. It's a state of mind. It's how you do you work, or even think about your work.
It's the non-stop repetitive thoughts in your mind about how you should really get going, how you should have finished this already, and damn, why can't you just... It's the stress in your body when you're not doing what you think you should be doing. It's the fixation on productivity and achievement, the belief that it's your key to a sense of worthiness and happiness. It's the inability to listen to yourself and trust what you hear."

This paragraph, more than anything I've read in years, sums up the default way my brain functions. My ambition, talent, helpfulness and perfectionism all weave in and out of striving. It is the background noise that keeps me from being present and attuned to enjoying the task at hand. This is the basic lens through which I approach the world.

And it's never been put to me this way before.

The more I slow down and appreciate where I am and get clear on what I am trying to do, the more peace I feel. And yet, it seems to come with an internal voice backlash of pressure and anger that somehow I am failing. And that failure has great consequences (not actually in reality, but my brain tells me otherwise).

I am using this idea of constant striving as a reminder to myself to choose another way. If striving is my default mode, then I want to be conscious of noticing what it looks like and how I feel when I'm doing it. Some examples for me:

• When I am feeling super resentful of how much I think I "have to" do, whether that's cleaning, care-taking or socializing. Usually corresponds to a feeling of hot anger in my chest.
• When I am trying to do something the way someone else says is best, though if I paused I would realize it's not best for me and there's probably another way. Corresponds to a feeling of tense frustration in my arms, hands and neck.
• When I am feeling tearful, overwhelmed or defeated it's already gone too far. Corresponds to a "punch in the gut" feeling and/or complete collapse of energy.

What I'm also finding is that the above situations/behaviors come after already trying to prove myself twice over. The first "work as worth" hustle (proof of worthiness aka love and belonging) is part of my every-minute-living. And then when I start to burn out, do not tend to my own needs as much as I am to others', or do not receive the love and support I think I deserve based on how much I'm *doing* for others, my brain goes into frenzied mode. And then the above examples, and many other types of energy leaks, occur.

But what to name this other way? Many of the antonyms for striving incite a feeling of failure anyways: quitting, hanging around, lazing. Obviously, does not help my feelings of failure and ability to truth hat if I let up off of the striving, I will not only survive, but thrive.

A bit more searching and I found: yielding, easing (up), relaxing, and surrender. These feel a bit more possible and validating, directing my brain and energy to the place from where I would like to live my life.

And then I realize that the title of this blog, chosen nine years ago, is exactly the vibe I want. Softening, yielding, easing, surrendering, all have a quality of letting something go. But allowing?

Allowing is permission to just be.