Caught In A Rip
"If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place..."When you write and publish stories online knowing full well people will read it, it's sometimes hard to say how you really feel.Overall, things are awesome. Lady Wads is doing great - she's growing, and her kicks are stronger and more frequent. H and I are good - we're working as a team to transition our lives into this new chapter. Work is fine - I continue to get things done and events play off. Coaching is fun - and something that pulls me out of myself and into the larger flow of life.But, to tell you the truth, I'm not doing well.Each day my energy runs from OK to barely there. I find myself struggling to concentrate or focus. Words come out backwards. I can't seem to get up in the morning, while my dreams are so epic, it's like I spend all night hallucinating. Feelings run from anxious to sadness to guilt. I cry...a lot.It's like that time H and I were swimming in Venice and pulled out by the current. In my effort to stay afloat, I panicked. It took me forever to realize I needed help. It never occurred to me I was caught in a rip."I feel just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground. I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low... oh darkness I feel like letting go."When it comes down to it, being pregnant after loss is really, really hard for me. I thought I did so well talking about the loss, writing about it, healing, surviving...but the undertow is strong and pulling me down.A rip current is a sucking river of water that's rushing to get back out to sea. If you fight it, it will exhaust you to the point where you could drown. If you float on it, however, it will take you further out, yes, but eventually it will release you. Only then can you swim back to shore.As I write this, I understand that the same survival techniques apply to how I'm currently feeling. Keep calm, breathe, conserve energy, float, don't panic and wave for help. Most importantly, go with the flow.Let that current take you out until it lets you go."I know I can love you much better than this... full of grace."(All lyrics in italics from Sarah McLachlan's Full Of Grace)