The Perfect Age
We sat in the empty bar, Sunday night, the five of us in a corner booth. We'd skipped dinner and gone right for the bar crawl. Now, three stops in, some of us (ahem, me) were over it, but a round of drinks were ordered anyway.You could tell the place was a hip spot when the weather was good - hammocks, bocce ball and cornhole sets were on the patio, rows of tables and chairs soaked by cold rain. Our visit was plagued by crappy weather, temps never rising above 50 degrees, dark and wet.We pulled out the Tabletop Question cards and made a quick game of it. We'd each have three questions plus one "throw-away". Taking turns, you'd ask the person to your left your question and we'd go around in a circle, the question asker answering last.Questions ranged from "What's the secret to a happy marriage?" to "What do you miss most from childhood?" to "If you could choose the gender of your child, would it be ethical?"The questions asking continued, around and around. This is my favorite - deep conversation with curious, intuitive people. Time seemed to fade out. Someone’s story would grab a hold of a memory and you'd need a moment to blink back tears or your laughter whipped through the otherwise quiet bar.“What is the perfect age?” one friend asked."I hope I always say the age I am at that moment,” another friend answered.And that got me thinking.____I never thought about being 31. I was just getting used to 30 when my birthday came again. But with my apartment, dog, husband, clothes, job, relationships with my siblings and parents, my accomplishments, writing, habits, resiliency, circle of friends, community, experiences, discussions, what I read, what I do with my time, the things that make up my life…I am thrilled to be 31 because it means I made it to here - this place of being more capable than ever before of taking care of myself. Of knowing that, whatever comes, I can handle it. Of listening to my own needs and bringing more of myself to the world.Recently, I told a friend that life feels better and better each year. Therefore, in true human form, I worry something bad will happen and disrupt it all. But at the same time I know. I know I can deal with shit and bounce back because I have resources and reserves to lean on, knowledge and experiences that brought me to this very spot.That’s the brilliant thing about being this age, and I assume, any age older. We (hopefully) become more equipped than ever to take care of ourselves. To look at our days and appreciate. To feel both soaring joy and deep, deep pain. To experience it all.I wouldn't want to go back to my twenties because I was a mess. And I was a mess because I had no safety net, no support system, no skills. Granted, amazing things happened during that time, but I wasn't truly available to experience them, not in the way that I experience my life now. Because back then everything seemed like a catastrophe - everything felt like the world was ending. I was literally floundering. If it wasn't for my own belief in a better life (and therapy), I could've drowned.If I can't even was a phrase 10 years ago, it would've been my mantra.Now, I have mantras like "Trust" and "Go slowly". I have thoughts that serve me, and those that don’t carry less weight. Over the past decade, I learned how to take care of myself. And I feel more myself every year.Being 31 is a blessing. Being 31 is a miracle. I am so grateful to have made it to this age.I hope I'm always able to say this about every age: It's the perfect age, because it's exactly the age I am.